The Sexy Inventory

Inspired by Octavia Butler

I have a strongly held belief that people who don’t know what they want are profoundly dangerous. They are open to being possessed by desires not their own. The desires of capitalism and harm. The desires of corporate greed. We live in a culture where we are force-fed other people’s desires and told they are our own. The only way to defend against this hijacking of our agency is, I believe, to get really clear about what we actually want. What we actually desire.

What we think is sexy.

Do you really think that beefcake movie star is sexy? Do you really want a nuclear family and children? Do you really need more clothes? More stuff? Do you really enjoy that anemic MFA novel with no plants or animals in it that the New York Times lauded as being a “dazzling debut”?

Sometimes the answer is yes. But sometimes we are into weirder and more wonderful stuff. And when we can take back ownership of our own desire, I truly believe we can make and write more revolutionary stories and ideas.

What are you into? This is a powerful question. Of course, there is no pre-cultural self. And it’s important we understand how our desires grow from ground that’s already been seeded with anthropocentrism and sexism and glyphosate.

I came across an amazing page from Octavia Butler’s notebooks recently. Octavia is one of my secular saints. I have an image of her that I’ve put above my bed in numerous different homes I’ve rented over the years. She represents for me the ways in which imagination paired with rigorous ethical orientation can be liberatory…and sexy and a good read. Years ago, I read a list of manifestations she listed in her notebooks before she had any acclaim or success. She writes, “I will be a bestselling author….I will get the best of healthcare for my mom and myself. I will hire a car whenever I want or need.”

As women, we are often told not to want too much. Instead, we are supposed to pay attention to the desires of others, molding ourselves to fit these demands. Reading Butler’s unbridled ambition and eagle-eye precision about her desires was inspiring. She writes at the end of the list, “So be it! See to it! I will find the way to do this!” The key here is that it’s not the passive spiritual materialism of manifestation. She knows she’s the agent of her own desire. She will make this happen. She knows what she wants and will use that as her navigation device as she makes art. This list has inspired me for years. She fulfilled everything on that list. I’ve made my own. And refined it over the years as I’ve gotten clearer about what a sustainable life as a writer looks like.

Then, the other day, I encountered another page from Butler’s journal and I practically yelped with delight. It is her list of What Is Sexy.

This is not a listicle from a women’s magazine telling us what products to buy. This is a deeply personal inventory of what someone enjoys and is drawn to in the world and in storytelling. It is someone trying to figure out what drives their stories.

And the list reminded me of something I’m seeing more and more. Readers of romance/romantasy listing what they are looking for in a book.