Things to Say Instead of “I Hope You’re Feeling Better” or “But You Look so Good!”

On Talking to Chronically Ill Friends

(Art by Ken Gun Min)

This past season I have been the sickest, I’ve ever been. And I feel I’ve been pretty honest about that with my community. But we live in a white light illness/death phobic culture that doesn’t teach us how to stay with the trouble of incurable or chronic illness. People fumble a lot. Say I’m looking great and quite often say “You’re all better right?”

No. I actually was just on the phone with the doctor about my terrifying test results. I was actually just kneeling next to the toilet trying not to vomit.

I wrote a longer essay about that here.

When you say to someone ill, someone who has been clear they have a degenerative and incurable illness, a chronic illness, a terminal illness, a tricky prognosis, “I hope you’re feeling better”, what you are really saying is, “I want to discharge my social responsibility. And I want you, the sick person, to make ME feel better about situations that I find scary and confronting.”

What you are saying is, “Perform wellness for me. Make me feel better.”

There are kinder ways to “bump” into friends who are sick rather than relying on these pat phrases. I know it’s usually not ill-intentioned and it most often comes from a place of real love, but it doesn’t honor that love. Instead, it works to shut down our sick friends and to unconsciously communicate that we don’t want real intimacy with them. I’ve written about this before. But I think at this point I’m just going to offer some real phrases we can start to use with each other.

I also think making comments on how someone looks rarely ever lands. Just going to leave that there.

Things to Say Instead of “I Hope You’re Feeling Better” or “But You Look so Good”

It’s really good to see you.

How is your spring?

How is your heart? Your mind? Your spirit?

Have you read/watched/ listened to anything interesting lately?

Have you noticed the forsythia is having a banner year?

Did you see….insert that movie, that piece of news? Did you read….?

I was just thinking of you! What are you up to today?

How is your writing…your garden…your dog….your art…your work?

How is your family?

Have you ever wondered…?

I saw the funniest thing the other day…

How are your friends?

What’s on your mind today?

Cold for spring!

Hot for summer!

A comment about something shared – community, weather, commonalities.

i.e. Are you going to so and sos concert? Are you going to that play? That reading?

What’s bringing you joy right now?

How are you really doing? It’s been a while since I saw you and I have to admit I don’t know the latest about your health.

What is life like right now for you? I’m able to listen to the truth and I care about you. Paint me a picture.

What are you excited about?

What are you carrying today?

What does the next season look like for you?

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I am overwhelmed with gratitude by how many of you have showed up here to support my work and widen my thinking. Right now you are literally keeping me alive and funding the out-of-pocket medical expenses that allow me to receive IV nutrition and connective tissue specialists.

I am grateful in a way that is wide and deep and low. I hope you can feel some sonorous note of it - the hum and grind of ice relaxing under the sun - in your body. I am sending the song of my thanks your way. I love you all so much.